I’ll confess upfront that I don’t actually know a whole lot about Twilight. I have not read the books nor have I seen the movies. And I’m totally ok with that. Why? Because I’m not a 12-year-old girl with a lust for blood.
This what I do know, pieced together from the ether. There are two main dudes, Edward and Jacob, one is a vampire and one is a werewolf - couldn’t tell you for certain which is which, not that its entirely important. There are apparently two “teams” - Team Edward and Team Jacob - not exactly sure why there are these “teams” or what they mean, although it seems like an opportune time to make an inappropriate topical reference to rugby league players and group sex… Then there is a chick called Bella, who I think is a ‘regular’ human. And they all just want to sleep with each other. Or something like that. Like I said, I know virtually nothing about this crap.
“One of them sparkles. SPARKLES. LIKE A FAIRY. What is this? ‘My Little Pony’ the movie?
Oh and another thing. One of them, I think its the vampire one (Edward?), sparkles. Yes. SPARKLES. LIKE A FAIRY. What is this? ‘My Little Pony’ the movie? Having not seen the movies or read the books I don’t know but do the twilight vampires even drink blood? I half expect that the most “wicked” thing they do is jay-walking. “Real” vampires are meant to get their ‘fang on’ and bite into anything with a pulse. They’re supposed to be repelled by garlic. And they’re meant to burn if exposed to sunlight - not fucking sparkle.
But sure thing little kiddies its perfectly ok to aspire to get it on with a ‘sparkly’ vampire when you grow up. Sure, you could even fall in love with a werewolf if you really wanted. I mean, its not like he really wants to tear you limb-from-limb and devour your mutilated corpse. The tweens do realise that this is just a movie, right? And that the ‘sparkly’ dudes they’re getting all friendly with at school are more likely to be guys with an early-developed glitter fetish rather than a vampire.
The only other thing this ‘franchise’ is doing is creating big stars out of relative nobodies. How long do we have to wait until one of them does something stupid - and I’m not talking about them signing up for a stupid series of movies, they’ve already achieved that - no, how long is it before everyone’s favourite vampire (or werewolf - wouldn’t want to be seen as taking sides) goes all ‘Britney’ on the world and starts flashing his man bits as he exits his chauffeur driven car on his way into some ‘trendy’ LA nightspot because he’s as high as a kite?
The best thing that could happen for their careers would be if the Twilight author stopped writing more books and they were able to go off and make a few real movies. Not that they’ll ever really need to make another movie given the excessive amount of money they will have earned by the time the last movie is finished. Then again, teenage stardom in Hollywood seems to come with a complimentary alcohol and/or drug problem, they may need the ‘work’ just to support that.