Sunday will be a day for celebration. No more having to listen to political leaders try and convince us that they are the least horrible of the two options. No more terrible political advertising (thankfully this has already ceased). No more action contracts. No more forward motion. But there’s a more than reasonable chance that Australia will be fucked. Yes we will.

Word of warning. I’ve been writing this blog post on and off for a couple months, for example Captain Kevin was knife free and still leader when I started writing this, so there is an exceptionally good chance it makes no sense at all by now - if you’re reading this blog then you’d be used to that. However my lack of sense makes perfect sense given the flood of nonsense that has been dribbled out by our trusty politicians over the last 5 weeks. Oh, where to begin.

He just woke up one morning and wasn’t Prime Minister anymore.

While the environmental world was concerned about the massive spill in the Gulf of Mexico, Kevin Rudd should have been keeping a closer eye on things back home - there was a spill-a-brewing and something (god, knows what…) tells me he didn’t see it coming. He was all ready to see of the last date of parliament before the, as yet unannounced, election then he just woke up one morning and wasn’t Prime Minister anymore. There was also that large red-headed hunting knife hanging out of his back.

Me, personally, never been a big fan of Kev (Rudd that is, Big Kev and his cleaning products were awesome though), and political parties are free to shuffle their leaders around as they wish. Christ, they’ve both done had their fair share of shuffling in the last 5 years or so. But usually they only do this monkey business while they are in opposition - why you would want to have a leadership spill right before an election and show that there is a possible rift in the ranks is beyond me. But, hey, what would I know - got a feeling Kevin might agree though…

Clearly it was a move that came form the party back rooms (or the ‘faceless men’ as Tony Abbott calls them), and it probably isn’t fair to blame Julia for what happened. After all she had spent months telling anyone and everyone who’d listen that she “wouldn’t challenge Kevin” and that “Kevin will lead them to the next election”, and she wouldn’t lie, right?

He doesn’t always tell the truth - no shit, he’s Tony Abbott and he’s a politician, its part of the job description.

In my mind the Liberals missed an opportunity here. For weeks everyone (not just Labor) had been getting stuck into Tony Abbott because he admitted that he doesn’t always tell the truth - no shit, he’s Tony Abbott and he’s a politician, its part of the job description. But, unless I missed it, the Libs didn’t turn Julia’s own “won’t challenge Kevin” words back on her to demonstrate that Tony isn’t the only one prone to telling the odd fib. It hasn’t even rated a mention during the hundreds of smear campaign ads over the last 5 weeks. But I guess there were bigger issues like the fear campaigns they were running against boat people…

It would seem that the Labor party had absolutely no confidence left in Kevin, I mean for them to oust the man who brought them back to power after 11 years of Liberal rule before his maiden term as PM was even completed was a little harsh, but I still think it was the wrong time for the spill. All they’ve done is prove to everyone that they are an unstable catastrophe on the verge of a meltdown - a description that just six months earlier belonged solely to the coalition. If they wanted to spill, they should have focused on winning the election first and then let Julia lop off Kevin’s head. In an ideal world Australia wouldn’t vote for instability, anyone remember Mark Latham (thank god he never came to power), but when both sides are unstable there’s a problem. And when the Liberals are looking like the more stable of the two options in the lead up to the election then you know there’s going to be trouble.

Was it purely a stunt by Labor to win votes. Well, der. Will it work? Maybe, although at the time it was probably aimed at not losing votes, more than winning new ones. So unless flocks of people are lured in my the newly selected (not elected) female leader who stands for pretty much all the same things as the guy she replaced I doubt it will win them the election, it might stop them losing it though, we’ll have to wait and see.

The world would have also been saved from the “wonderful” exploits of one Mark “I make Tony Abbott look sane” Latham.

Like I said it was a party room selection, the puppet masters cut Kevin’s strings and reattached them to Julia’s willing limbs. It was not an election by the people. But this is always the case, remember come election time you are voting for a member in your local area, you don’t vote for the leader of the particular party - unless you happen to live in their electorate. And while your choice may very well be swung by the party affiliation of the leader, you still don’t really vote for Kevin, Julia, Tony or whoever is the party leader at that point in time. As leaders of their respective parties they are selected by their fellow party members - which is exactly why we end up with leaders like Tony Abbott. I’m pretty sure if the public got to pick the leader of the respective parties Abbott wouldn’t be leader - and in the past the world would have also been saved from the “wonderful” exploits of one Mark “I make Tony Abbott look sane” Latham (what on Earth were Labor thinking back then?).

Moves that could have very easily won her votes. Task number 1. Remove, and gag, Senator Stephen Conroy.

So after Julia took charge, and Kevin disappeared to the back-benches, it was time for her to start moving forward. She started by scrapping the mining ads from TV (thank fuck for that), but the damage had already been done. Not sure how they ever thought that an exceptionally dry, boring ad of a man talking in front of a powerpoint presentation was ever going to be “well received”. Julia also had the opportunity to un-fuckup her newly inherited cabinet. Moves that could have very easily won her votes. Task number 1. Remove, and gag, Senator Stephen Conroy. But no, instead she thought it was a ‘good’ idea to keep him as the Minister for Broadband, Communications, the Digital Economy and General Douchebaggery. FAILia Gillard.

The government (and the opposition) are already spending our money, irritating our bowels, scaring our children and smuggling our budgies, but they don’t want to stop there. Oh no, unless you’ve been living under a rock you should be well aware of this plan to impose an internet filter upon the Australian public, and that’s not all, apparently the Government also wants to read all our emails and god knows what else.

It would appear that the Australian Government has forgotten that we do in fact live in Australia. This isn’t China or North Korea or the Northwest region of Backthefuckupistan, where these sort of restrictions are (sadly) common place. Ex-Captain KRudd loved China, and loved showing off with his “expertise” in being able to speak mandarin, but he should probably have left the love affair right there. No need for him to start introducing dumb China-esque policies censoring what it is we can and can’t look at on the internet… oh wait, that’s what he had ministers for… Conroy, I’m looking at you (and your browsing history).

I think the official reason is “because Senator Conroy wants it blocked”.

Yes, Stephen, there is plenty of ‘undesirable’ content on the web (such as this), but being able to block things virtually without reason is just plain wrong (I think the official reason is “because Senator Conroy wants it blocked”), and then to not even make the list of ‘blocked’ sites available to the public… Yeah, way to go guys, sounds like an awesome plan.

But it’s never just the government who get-off by showing their desire to introduce new and wacky ideas. Take Tony Abbott’s suggestion that “bible classes should be compulsory so children have a fundamental understanding of Christianity on leaving school”. Sorry Tony. No deal. Yes, make religion (all religions, not just Christianity) available at school, but by no means should the government be able to decide to make it compulsory.

Yet, while the two primary parties disagree on a number of issues - as you would expect, after all that is why they are each others opposition - strangely some of their goals seem to be the same. It is just a shame these particular goals are stupid ones. Take ‘the boat people’ for example. Both Julia and Tony want to ‘stop the boats’. From what I can gather Julia wants to pretty much continue with what they’re already doing but just have less boats, and Tony wants to move the ‘off-shore processing’ back to Nauru, because somehow that means less boats - not sure I see the connection between the location of the ‘processing centre’ and the actual number of boats.

Boat people aren’t the issue - politicians using boat people as a scare tactic to try and win votes in the lead up to an election is the issue.

But the real issue isn’t whether they actually reduce the number of boats or where they do the processing, it’s more to do with the percentage of each sides campaign that is dedicated to such a statistically small issue. Put bluntly, ‘boat people’ make up sweet-fuck-all in terms of the total number of migrants, illegal or otherwise. There are, and always will be, more people here on expired visas than there are boat people. Heck, there are probably more over-stayed visa-holders in Bondi than there are boat people arriving each year. Not sure where I saw it or what the actual calculation was, but it was something like it would take 50 years to fill the Melbourne Cricket Ground (which seats around 100,000) with ‘illegal boat people’. Boat people aren’t the issue - politicians using boat people as a scare tactic to try and win votes in the lead up to an election is the issue.

Sure there are lots of other things that one or other of the sides has ‘promised’ in the last 5 weeks, things like the varying plans for the national broadband network, paid parental leave, new taxes, health care, education, climate change, same sex marriages, workplace relations etc. But you don’t really want to hear me bang on about all that do you?. And to be honest the bits and pieces I’ve heard from both sides are pretty ordinary and in all likelihood will be completely different to what actually gets implemented by which ever side doesn’t lose on the weekend, so is there really that much point in paying attention to begin with?

We all get to vote, we all get to have our say on polling day, and that’s great. However there are few things that have always puzzled me about the electoral enrollment system. For example, if you are enrolled to vote and you don’t (either deliberately or accidentally) then you get a fine. But if you never enroll, can you then get away with not voting and not getting fined? Or do they actually bother cross-checking the electoral rolls with things like tax returns or Centrelink data to catch people out? If they are doing that I’m pretty sure its just a money grabbing exercise.

They also don’t give you a whole lot of time to enroll, or update your enrollment, once an election is called, meaning a bunch of people probably get caught out. But the election campaign drags on for over month so why do they need to close the rolls just a couple of days after the election is called? Is it just so they have time to print the big fuck-off lists that get sent to each polling station so you can get your name crossed off? If that’s the case maybe it’s time to move into this century and go digital. Seriously, why is this stuff still done with a pen and a glorified phone book, surely a computer based system would be much more efficient.

Why in the year 2010 are we still filling out our preferences by hand on pieces of paper which then have to be manually counted by a bunch of people with nothing better to do on a Saturday night?

The same applies to the actual voting process - why in the year 2010 are we still filling out our preferences by hand on pieces of paper which then have to be manually counted by a bunch of people with nothing better to do on a Saturday night. I find it very hard to believe that this is the ‘best’ method of collecting votes, maybe it was 15-20 years ago, but this is 2010. If we can use technology to vote for unimportant things like the winner of a talent contest, why can’t we use it for elections. To vote for Julia sms ‘gingerninja’ to 19 VOTE. To vote for Tony sms ‘actionman’ to 19 VOTE.

So the choices. Labor led (at least until they decide otherwise) by Julia Gillard the red-headed, nasal, puppet who wants to move forward with a sustainable Australia moving forward into the future moving forward. Or, the Coalition led (for the moment) by Tony Abbott the big-eared, crazy, budgie-smuggling, semi-religious nutter. It’s a tough choice. And I think it’s sad when we are left with having to pick the “least worst” alternative as the winner.

Of course there are the other options as well. You could do “the right thing” and vote for the Greens (but, umm, didn’t they do a preference deal with Labor…) personally I don’t see the point in voting for the Greens even if you do believe in what they stand for and prefer their ideas over the other two. Unless everyone suddenly decides to go Green as well then a Green vote isn’t going to make much difference to the final result. Not to mention you have to have a Green candidate running in your local seat. But, hey, don’t get me wrong, I would have no problem if there was a massive swing towards the Greens and they picked up a few seats, and if you really want to vote Green I’m not trying to stop you, after all there are people who actually want to vote for the ‘sex party’ they’re the ones who need a psych assessment.

Steve Fielding who compared same-sex marriages to incest, and said that women may rort the paid parental leave scheme by having a late term abortion. Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

You could even go more radical and throw your vote towards one of the smaller parties - you know the ones represented by the candidates that the ‘real’ political parties wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. You know, like the Family First Party and their sole senator, and resident wacko, Steve Fielding who compared same-sex marriages to incest, and a couple of months ago said that women may rort the paid parental leave scheme by deliberately falling pregnant to take the leave and then having a late term abortion. Dude, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? More to the point, what is wrong with the dead-headed morons that voted for you?

You do, of course always have the option of the donkey vote (just numbering the candidates in the order they appear on the ballot) or an informal vote where you typically leave the form blank or draw a pretty picture for the tally room to look at. Something classy like a giant phallus is bound to be a hoot for those counting the votes. Or when it comes to that massive senate voting form they give you - where you either select one option from above the line, or number EVERY box below the line (and there are hundreds) - you could be a real prick and number all the boxes, except one. This way the vote counter wastes maximum time only to discover that your vote is invalid. Again, WHY do we not vote electronically?

The marginal seats are where it all gets decided, everyone else is just along for the ride.

In the end the election will be decided by the marginal seats, and the three seats that cover my local area are anything but marginal, for as long as these seats have existed they’ve never been held by anyone but the Labor candidate and I’d be pretty surprised if that changed this time around - they’d need a massive swing against them. I think people still get too caught up on “I’m voting for Julia” or “I’m voting for Tony”, and you can’t really blame them because based on the political ads you’d be forgiven for thinking that was the case. But we don’t vote for the Prime Minister, we vote for the local minister who, yes, might belong to the same political party as your preferred PM but you’re still not voting for the PM directly. The marginal seats are where it all gets decided, everyone else is just along for the ride.

So who are you picking as the least worst alternative that might help provide the action contract to move a sustainable, unfiltered Australia forward through the ‘swarms’ of illegal boats towards the impending leadership spills on both sides of the floor that are bound to occur sometime in the next 6 months…