There are a ton of stupid ‘crazes’, you know things like white guys who think wearing a baseball cap sideways somehow makes them African-American, the Twilight “saga” that leads young girls into thinking vampires sparkle, or even 3D movies (god how I hate the emphasis on 3D movies in recent times). All of these pale in comparison to the latest ‘craze’.

If you know any plankers I urge to either disown them, or if possible throw them off the roof of the nearest high-rise office block.

If you ever wanted to know just how bleak our future is, just look at what the latest ‘craze’ is among the brain dead fuckwits who are “our future”. Planking. What the fuck is “planking”, I hear you ask. Well, for starters if you don’t know you’re lucky and probably better because of it. For those that still want to know its where a dimwitted individual lies flat on top of something stiff like a plank. The objects on which they lie are usually things that are not meant to be lied upon, and in places where one with a brain should not lie.

I first heard the term “planking” only a couple of weeks, and the first thing I thought was that I’d go out into the road an lie on the traffic island just for kicks. No, that’s not what I actually thought. Why? I’m not a moron. A few examples ¹ quickly highlight just how stupid planking is. If you know any of these people I urge to either disown them, or if possible throw them off the roof of the nearest high-rise office block, they are clearly no use to the world anymore.

Should train-track-planking-man happen to get his head caved in by the 10:10 from Central then I’ve got absolutely zero problem with that.

There were a couple of articles ^{2 3} (same article, different photos, pure quality Australian journalism) during the week where the police were pleading with people to not take part in the ‘craze’ for fear that someone was going to get seriously hurt or worse killed. The article was accompanied by a couple of photos, one of a dude lying on top of the signal lights at a train crossing (still can’t work out how the fuck he got up there) and another of a particularly special individual who thought that lying face down on a train track could only be a good idea.

I’m a strong supporter of natural selection, and in my mind should train-track-planking-man happen to get his head caved in by the 10:10 from Central then I’ve got absolutely zero problem with that. One less fucking moron to worry about. You want to cheat death with your hijinks, fine, but don’t complain when death bites back. Zero sympathy for idiots. Zero.

This excerpt from the “quality” article mentioned above says it all:

Planker David Tyrrell, from Gladstone in Queensland - where a man has been charged with allegedly planking a police car - said there was no need for dangerous stunts.

“Those guys would be a minority - the people that do something stupid, like a traffic light,” he said.

“Obviously we don’t want any injuries or deaths from it, but you do get stupid people that will test the theory of gravity.”

Mr Tyrrell, who has planked naked, said enthusiasts varied from 10-year-olds to grandparents, but most did it for a bit of a joke.

Clearly a man “who has planked naked” is the right sort of guy to be giving advice about the ‘right’ way to go about planking. And its a detail that’s obviously included because its an extremely important, they want us to know exactly how bat-shit stupid this guy really is. Oh, and the solution for any grandparents who think planking might be a good idea? Euthanasia.

Remember kiddies, “don’t plank tanked”

Yesterday there was another article ⁴ reporting that a “man aged in his early 20s” (that’s code for moron) had died after falling from his balcony. How did he fall? It’s believe that he was planking. And it was 4:30am so there is a pretty good chance he was planking tanked. Remember kiddies, “don’t plank tanked”.

It doesn’t say how far he fell, but it was obviously far enough to kill him. The final comment from Queensland Police Deputy Commissioner Ross Barnett in the article sums it up — “This is a tragedy and our condolences go to the family.” — Yes, sorry that your son killed himself doing something that anyone with an IQ greater than their age would know was a stupid idea.

The article also mentions another 20-year-old male (anyone see the pattern?) who was charged for trespass after being caught planking ON A POLICE CAR.

What isn’t helping the cause is that media outlets — the exact same ones publishing the stories about the deaths as a result of doing it — are publishing stories ⁵ about planking giving the dicks that are doing it, the publicity and attention they are seeking. I also can’t work out why its in the ‘technology’ section, I guess they don’t have ‘fucking retard’ section. But the most concerning part of the article? That would be the “newcomer’s guide to planking” that they publish at the bottom of it:

• Be creative. “It’s not creative to plank on a sign,” Mr Litonjua said. “It’s more creative to lay it out in inconspicuous places like a Where’s Wally plank. We’d photobomb a wedding with a plank.”
• Do it overseas. “People are doing it on monuments and landmarks. I’ve got a friend who’s in China and he went to the Great Wall and I thought, you missed a perfectly good opportunity!”
• Don’t plank on private property or somewhere unsafe.
• Give it a name - office plank, group plank, international plank.
• Be a proper plank. “You’ve got to be a good straight plank, head straight, arms straight, legs down.”

I presume they think that they’re doing the “right” thing because they’ve included the “Don’t plank on private property or somewhere unsafe.” option. The problem is almost every story I’ve seen about planking fit one or both of those criteria.

Dear brain dead youth of Australia, grow (and stand) the fuck up.

1. Planking around in Brisbane
2. Don’t be a crazy planker say police
3. Don’t be a crazy planker say police
4. Death fall after planking
5. Layabouts plank their way across town in latest net craze