Doof-doof, like dance, trance, Aussie-white-boy-rap and Justin Bieber, is not music. It is noise, noise for the intellectually deficient.

I have neighbours who in recent months have developed a love for turning the bass up on their music. Now, to be clear, I can’t tell exactly what type of music they are listening to. Thankfully the walls are ‘sound proof’ if not ‘bass proof’. What I do know is that on this side of the wall all I hear is just “doof doof”, or “doof dooooooof, doof dooooooof”, or “doof doof *pause* doof doof *pause*”. All sounds the same really. Whatever it is, it’s rubbish.

…because they aren’t, as far as I know, (warning: unfounded sterotypical generalisation follows) 18-year-old smack heads…

I’m also not 100% sure which neighbour it is, I’m about 90% sure but I have numerous neighbours (I’m in an apartment building). And if it’s the folk that I think it is, then it’s even more puzzling because they aren’t, as far as I know, (warning: unfounded sterotypical generalisation follows) 18-year-old smack heads. Unless, of course, the people I think live there have moved out and I didn’t know (entirely possible).

Sadly, my neighbours aren’t the only dipshit doof enthusiasts that I have to put up with. I live next to a roundabout - or “traffic circle” to the North American folk - on a busy road. A road that is frequented by “youths” with cars - cars with stereos more powerful than the engines that power them. And why do they need such stereo systems? To play rubbish bass tracks through to annoy the fuck out of everyone within a 4 block radius.

The only reason I can think of that these people, and I use that term very loosely, do such things to their cars, and listen to such noise in them, is because they have extremely small penises.

Oh, boo hoo, I hear you say. Well, fuck you. I should not have to sit in my apartment with my doors and shit rattling as some degenerate turd “cruises” past in their piece of crap car with big wheels, big exhaust and big stereo with pounding bass blaring. They cruise past and my ears ring and my eyes water, now whether that is a ‘normal’ reaction to extreme bass I don’t know, but that’s how it affects me, and I dislike it greatly. The only reason I can think of that these people, and I use that term very loosely, do such things to their cars, and listen to such noise in them, is because they have extremely small penises. So small that it would be, in fact, pointless to tell them to go fuck themselves, because they can’t.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t be allowed to listen to this horseshit, but they should do so in a manner, and if possible location, that does affect others. If we could ship them all the Alice Springs that’d be fantastic, but since that’s never going to happen I’ll settle for people using these two brilliant inventions that you might have heard of. Volume control and/or headphones.

Still, I can see no logical reason why anyone would need to be listening to this noise at 10am on a Saturday morning. In today’s case it started at about 2:30pm and it hasn’t stopped since. It is now after 8pm. And it’s not just weekends, they do it during the week as well, it usually pounding when I get home from work, and often still thumping away when I go to bed. It’s beyond just being irritating, it’s progressed to plain incessant rudeness.

If you know me then you would know why I’m not going to confront them (yet). For those that don’t know me, I’m built like a stick insect.

So why don’t I go knock on their door and tell them to cut it out? Apart from the previously mentioned doubt over exactly which neighbour it is, if you know me then you would know why I’m not going to confront them (yet). For those that don’t know me, I’m built like a stick insect, were they to ‘disagree’ with my complaint they could, if they wished, just flick me off their balcony like a discarded cigarette. So, no, I’m not going to bash on their door and tell them off - they probably wouldn’t hear me anyway.

Other ‘options’ that I’ve considered - but would most likely never do - include buying a baseball bat and then knocking on their door, playing some ridiculously offensive music through my own entertainment system, moving the sub next to their wall and then going to work, or leaving abusive notes in their mailbox. All of which would first require me to know for sure which neighbour I’m targeting. I guess I could even call the cops,but I’m not really sure how that works, or that they’d care, and it seems like a lot of effort. Somehow, taking a baseball bat to their scrotum seems like it would be more satisfying. But again, thats just too much effort - they aren’t worthy of such effort.

So, I guess until such time that my neightbours die, move out, grow up or learn some fucking manners I’ll just have to put up with it. This displeases me greatly, but then again so do a lot of things. Doof doof is not music, it is just painful. It’s like a vice-grip on my brain.